


Shelter

by liamwolve



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: College, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fluff, Self-Harm, brother!harry, harry au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-09
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-08 02:58:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1127557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liamwolve/pseuds/liamwolve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isabella had never given a thought about having to lose weight, but when someone makes a seemingly innocent comment abot her weight, her thoughts take over and drag her down in a horrible downwards spiral, which seems to have a devastating effect on her twin brother, Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It feels as if you’re drowning.

Never had I imagined that this day would come. Of course I have thought about death; I know it happens to all of us, including me, and that this is inevitable. It is a knowledge that scared me at first, but which I had accepted. It is something that cannot be changed, whatever you might try to go around it.

I’ve wished myself dead. Multiple times. I came close to death. But I was scared and weak. The weight of guilt pressed on my shoulders whenever I thought about it, whenever I think about it now. It seemed so simple back then. One solution for everything, every single absolute shitty thing in my life. It was so simple, yet so hard. I couldn’t do it.  
  
Maybe things would have been different now if I had gone through with it. Of course I wouldn’t have known, or maybe I would have looked down upon the ones that would miss me and I would have known, but those are all if’s and but’s. I try not to dwell on those thoughts, because they make me feel even more miserable and responsible for all the shit that everyone has been through because of me.

Sometimes I think about just going away. Take all my savings, write a letter, and just move away. Catch a train, go to the other side of the country and start over. Not that I could, I wouldn’t even have a place to sleep. But the thought is nice; not having any responsibilities, not being in this town anymore, not having to face the people who all know about what happened. The people that still look at me the way they did when they heard that morbid news on February 15th.

I had accepted and sometimes wished my own death. But it had never even crossed my mind that instead of me, he would die.

My brother. _**Harry.**_


	2. Planting a seed

The muscles in my stomach and cheeks burned, but I couldn’t make it stop. The only one who could was my twin brother Harry, whom was standing next to the piano and was making up a ridiculous song, making Gemma and me double over with laughter. Our uncle was happily playing along, creating a simple tune for Harry to sing to while he made up his words, making horrible jokes about all the guests of the Christmas party. I always enjoyed family events like these; family made me feel like I was the richest girl alive. Not just to me, Harry and Gemma just as much.

I had always been closer to Harry than to Gemma, undoubtedly because we were twins. They say that twins are one soul put into two bodies. That they complete each other, they can sense if the other is in trouble and that they don’t function quite correctly when the other is gone. But this never applied to us. Sure, Harry was away a lot because of his work, but we had phones and made sure to use them. Every now and then he would call or send me a cheery text about where they were now, or what I was doing. He knew how much one text could do for my mood, and he never forgot to send one at the exact right time.

I was glad when our mother called us to the dinner table, a wide smile on her face as she watched her children, all happy and laughing. I sat in between Gemma and my uncle, and as soon as everyone was seated and dinner started, I loaded my plate. The dinner table was loud and merry, as it always was. We didn’t get to see each other that often, especially Harry, so this opportunity was taken to catch up with everyone.

‘’Your aunt just said to me that you’ve gotten taller again this year!’’ my uncle told me, but I hadn’t grown since I was sixteen, and I was almost twenty now. I smiled anyway, taking the compliment – I didn’t mind at all being caller taller, even though I was a good 5’8 – and my uncle chuckled.

‘’You’ve got a little more meat on your bones as well, but that ought to be the ham,’’ he added jokingly before turning to the relative next to him. I chuckled and smiled widely, staring at my plate. I don’t know why, but his last remark had hit me in a place I didn’t even know I had. I wasn’t insecure about my weight, not at all. I was comfortable with my body, I always had been. But had I put on weight? So much that it had caught people’s eyes?

I decided to leave the last piece of ham that was still on my plate, and just finish the vegetables I had left. When my mom offered me dessert, I declined, earning exaggerated surprised looks from Harry and Gemma, and we all laughed it off after I said that I had already eaten so much that I felt like I was going to explode. But I longed for that chocolate pudding.

+++

It felt nice being back on college grounds. Like Gemma, I loved going to college, and I wasn’t shy of reminding Harry of the fact that he was missing out on a lot either. I was fairly sure that Harry would never go to college, not even after One Direction. He would continue doing this for the rest of his life and be as happy as he could be doing it, so what would have been the point. I wasn’t as gifted as Harry, however, not musically at least, so instead I went to college to study Graphic Design.

I wasn’t sure why, but after the Christmas holidays I noticed how many slim girls were on campus. And slim being properly skinny, with perfect legs and small waists. Had they just come out of nowhere or did I just not notice it before? Even in my group of friends, which consisted of five girls and three guys, three of the girls were at least two sizes smaller than me. It hadn’t mattered until now, and it wasn’t in a negative way, at least not towards them.

‘’Do you work out?’’

I was applying some mascara to my eyelashes in the girls’ bathroom, as I often did at the beginning of the lunch break.

‘’Why, can you tell?’’ Denise answered, the gorgeous brunette next to me answered with a chuckle. She had sun kissed skin with freckles on her cheeks and nose, and deep, forest green eyes. I suddenly felt like a sack of flour next to her.

‘’Well, you’ve always been slim and in good shape, haven’t you?’’ I shrugged.

‘’I don’t have time to work out regularly, though I sometimes do yoga. But when I’ve eaten too much for my liking I just use laxatives.’’

I wanted to pull a face, but I didn’t want to offend her. I had heard a lot about this. If you can’t stop eating but you want to lose weight fast, laxatives are the easiest. I always imagined it to be the messiest as well.

‘’Doesn’t that make you go to the bathroom every ten minutes though?’’ I asked, hoping I didn’t sound too prying, but Denise just laughed.

‘’Basically, but I only use it on rare occasions. You just shouldn’t eat that much to begin with. But what are you nagging on about, you don’t need any of that. Come on, let’s get some lunch.’’

I followed Denise to the cafeteria and was about to get the usual: an egg salad sandwich, a little carton of milk and a doughnut, when I remember my uncle’s words. _You’ve got a little more meat on your bones as well, but that ought to be the ham._ I go for the salad instead.

I knew I was being stupid and needed to let it go, but I couldn’t get that one line out of my head. When I walked around campus, I could feel people’s eyes on me, comparing me to Denise, snickering under their breath as they whispered jokes to each other about how different we were. I was pale, she was tanned. I was tall, she was short, and therefore, cute. She had skinny thighs and calves, my thighs touched when I walked. I never actually saw people laugh at me, but I could feel it. Something in the back of my mind kept telling me; _they are laughing at you, and you know why? Because you’re fat_.

+++

‘’Have you fallen on your head?’’ Harry laughs, and the sound of his laughter makes me laugh as well. I was laying on my bed, my head on the pillow, one leg pulled up and the other relaxed on the mattress. My phone was resting on the pillow next to me and was on speaker.

‘’I’m just asking, I mean you don’t see me that often so you must notice if I’ve put on some pounds?’’ I chuckled, making sure not to sound desperate for an honest answer.

‘’I don’t think you have, Isa, at least not when I last saw you,’’ he reassured me. He had lied. I could feel it.

‘’Alright,’’ I said, accepting his answer. I didn’t like making a big fuss out of things, and if I pressed on, it would start getting suspicious, so instead I let him change the subject and forget about the gnawing insecurity that, slowly but surely, was eating me up from the inside.


	3. A promise

I felt trapped. At first it felt good, taking control of my own body. I decided what I ate, I decided how much of it I ate, but after a while it became the other way around. Only two weeks in and a little voice in my head was already telling me _don’t do it!_ whenever ice cream came on my mind. It dragged me in further and I kept running after it, ignoring my common sense that kept telling me how this wasn’t going in the direction I wanted, simply because it was working.

It became easy; replacing soft drinks with water and replacing most of what I used to eat with vegetables and sometimes lean meat.

‘’Nothing wrong with vegetables and chicken… Mom makes this all the time, this is good,’’ I smiled to myself while I grilled the biggest piece of chicken I could allow myself, to add to the salad I had made. Most of my dinners consisted of this; lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, olives, some variations here and there.

_Yes, it’s healthy, but chocolate is better._

Why was this so hard to ignore? I had been a little on edge and emotional today already, I really didn’t want to deal with-

An unpleasant pain settled in my stomach, the feeling of my muscles tensing too much. Great. That oh so lovely monthly visitor had arrived. Of course I had to be one of those people who fit the stereotypical description of a girl on her period: emotional, grumpy, and hungry. Hungry for anything sweet, preferably chocolate.

I sat on the couch in my dorm room and mindlessly ate my salad whilst watching some show on TV, trying hard to ignore my stomach and brain, up until the point that I couldn’t eat anymore because my breath was becoming uneven. I was getting more and more upset with the second. What the hell was I doing? I was living off of fucking leaves of lettuce for crying out loud! This was stupid, I wouldn’t gain pounds if I ate a bit of chocolate now, and this was an emergency!

Before I even knew what I was doing, I was at the closest shop I could find, paying for seven candy bars that I had grabbed, still breathing shallowly. The cashier had given me a strange glance which I ignored before making my way back to my room, the first candy bar already devoured.

Sometimes I felt the need to just cry. Especially on my period. So I settled in, watched a very dramatic (and _very_ bad) movie, munching on the chocolate I had bought, hugging my pillow. By the time the movie was over, my tears of compassion had changed into tears of guilt and shame. I felt disgusting and weak. Just a day ago I felt like my control had gone too far, yet here I sat, stuffed with chocolate because I was on my period.

I got up and stumbled to the bathroom where I got undressed and got in the shower. I made the water be as cold as I could bear and sat on the floor, I was too afraid that my knees wouldn’t be able to carry me. I sat there, hugging my knees and resting my forehead against my knees, unable to stop crying. I felt stupid, I wished I was home, I wanted Harry, or Gemma, or mom here to comfort me and tell me that I wasn’t stupid at all. But that was what I chose for when I decided to go to college and move in to my dorm.

Suddenly I remembered what Denise had told me. Whenever she ate too much, she used laxatives. I immediately pushed away the idea, I didn’t want to use those. The idea of having one of those embarrassing accidents in the middle of class because I had taken laxatives was not something I fancied. But I had to make a choice. One candy bar wouldn’t make me gain pounds, but seven?

Within seven minutes I had gotten out of the shower, gotten dressed and walked to Denise’s room, where I knocked on her door. When she opened the door she smiled widely at me.

‘’Hey Isa, what’s up?’’ she asked excitedly.

‘’Hey, do you still have those laxatives?’’

Denise’s expression changed a little, giving me a look that was a mix between surprise and suspicion.

‘’Are you okay?’’ she asked me, to which I quickly nodded.

‘’Yeah, just… I have trouble, you know… going number two,’’ I said uncomfortably, a forced smile on my face. I felt weird, saying something this embarrassing just to cover something up. Something much worse, though.

‘’Alright, well I don’t have any left, sorry… the shop down the street should have them though,’’ she said, and I could feel she was not convinced by my excuse, but it would have to do right now. I didn’t have time to come up with a better explanation, so I excused myself and walked out of the building, down the street to the shop. I hardly noticed the freezing cold, despite the fact my hair was still wet from showering and I was only wearing a sweater.

For the second time that day I was paying for something without really thinking about it, this time for a box of laxative pills. I gave the cashier a small smile, one that wasn’t returned as she just looked at me with an even stranger look than before. I quickly made my way home and started reading the instructions, before throwing the piece of paper on the floor and popping three of the pills out of the tinfoil. I popped all three of them in my mouth at once and swallowed them dry. My throat burned and for a second I thought I was going to throw up, but after taking a deep breath it gradually got better. I walked to the kitchen and got a large glass of water, not sure why I hadn’t swallowed those pills with water, but that didn’t matter now. Despite the discomfort of the pills, and the lying to my friend, I somehow felt better knowing I had taken measures after my weak moment.

+++

‘’You don’t really sound all that excited…’’

I ran my hand through my hair and bit my lip, feeling guilty at the sound of Harry’s voice. He had called me and said that he had the next two weeks off, and that he thought it would be a nice idea if he came over for a couple of days. I had told him that it was a good idea, without much conviction apparently. I liked the idea of him here, had he called me last night and told me this I would have felt infinitely better. But him being here also meant that he would notice what I ate every day, and he could find out about the laxatives, and that concern had probably been a little too present in my voice.

‘’No no, Harry I am, honest. We’ll sit in bed with warm blankets and drink tea and watch movies, most of my lectures are in the morning anyway, and my exams are miles away so I don’t have to study all the time. It will be fun,’’ I told him, as well as myself.

‘’Sounds like an excellent time. I’ll be there around 8 alright?’’

‘’See you tonight,’’ I nod, before hanging up. How on earth was I going to do this.

+++

‘’Isaaa!’’

Two arms wrapped around me tightly and I was lifted off the ground, a giggle escaping my lips. Harry spun me around in a circle, hugging me tight, and I realised how much I had missed him. He put me down and kissed the top of my head.

‘’Good to see you again. I can’t believe how clean you keep this place, you always made a mess of our bedroom,’’ he chuckled, giving the room a glance over as he took his coat off. His brown curls were hidden underneath a beanie and he wore a light brown sweater and black skinny jeans, but still I managed to feel underdressed in my sweatpants, hoodie and messy hair, and messy not in the cute sense.

‘’How’s college life?’’ he asked me when he took his shoes off and made his way to the couch, while I walked to the small kitchen corner to make some tea.

‘’Pretty busy, but it’s fun. How is work?’’ I asked him, not feeling like talking about me too much. Harry told about the last couple of weeks and how he and the boys had done a couple of interviews, and I just nodded and said the occasional ‘’mhm’’ as I listened. I sat next to him and gave him the mug of steaming tea, folding my legs underneath me.

‘’You look tired. This college stuff isn’t getting too much for you, is it?’’ Harry asked and I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes playfully. Harry, always so worried about everyone’s wellbeing.

‘’Oh that’s nothing. I’ve been going to bed pretty late for the last couple of days, I just need a good night’s rest is all.’’

‘’Alright, I’ll make sure you won’t go to bed too late then,’’ he said. He put the cup of tea on the small table in front of the couch, got up and walked to the kitchen. I took a sip of my tea and looked around for the TV remote.

‘’You don’t have any food!’’

I looked up and saw him with his nose buried in the cabinet above the sink.

‘’That’s what happens when you pull all-nighters…a lot of midnight snacks,’’ I lied, because I hadn’t had much in that cabinet for the past few weeks now. I watched Harry walk to the bag he brought, out of which he got a box of biscuits, and I felt an unpleasant feeling settle in my stomach. I used to love those biscuits, I still do for that matter, and I should have known that he’d bring those for me.

‘’No worries, look what I brought!’’ he exclaimed as he walked back and flopped back on the couch. I smiled but it didn’t reach my eyes, and he noticed.

‘’What’s wrong?’’

I had to make something up now. Something believable.

‘’I really want those but I’m still really full from dinner, I ate right before you got here. But you go ahead, I know you love them too.’’

He chuckled and opened the pack of biscuits and a wave of relief comes over me. Thankfully he bought it.

‘’I can’t promise there will be any left, then,’’ he said, taking a biscuit and settling back in to the couch. The rest of the night felt comfortable, like old times, just him and me talking about stuff and telling stupid jokes. Around ten Harry carried me to the bed after I had fallen asleep and tucked me in before getting in next to me. Having a large bed meant that neither of us had to sleep on the couch, though knowing Harry, that would have meant that he had slept there, he would never let me sleep on the couch.

Half awake, I cuddled up to my brother, taking advantage of his warmth, something I did as long as I could remember. It felt nice to have his arm around me, feeling like right now, nothing bad could touch me.

That feeling was gone when I woke up in the morning when I heard something fall in the bathroom. I sighed and shifted on my other side, not planning on waking up completely just yet. Today was Sunday, which meant that I had one more day to sleep in.

‘’What are these…?’’

I opened my eyes and allowed them to settle a little. When I saw Harry stand in the door opening of the bathroom, holding the box of laxatives, I felt my insides tighten. How was I going to talk myself out of this one.

‘’I’ve had some uh trouble… well you know what that’s for, now but it back,’’ I said, trying to brush it off nonchalantly as I sat up.

‘’You’ve been acting so off, no food in the cabinets or fridge, except for an expired tomato, you didn’t want any biscuits either, and you look terrible. Is this about that thing you asked me, if you’ve gained weight?’’

I wanted to protest, tell him he was wrong and that I was just having a rough time with money and that stress was getting to me, but I couldn’t. For some reason the words didn’t leave my lips. Instead I found myself with wet cheeks. I had started crying. Harry hurried over and put the box of pills on the nightstand and climbed on the bed. He pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me. This act of concern was enough to make the silent tears turn into actual sobs. I sat there in his arms, clutching a handful of his shirt in my fist, while he gently stroked my back, his lips pressed to my hair.

‘’Y-You can’t-… t-tell mom… o-or Gemma… please, Harry,’’ I managed to say between my sobs. He probably didn’t even know what to tell mom or Gemma, but if they got word of this I would never hear the end of it. Knowing mom she would most likely want to get me back home so she could take care of me, or get me help. All well-meant of course, but nobody could help me right now except myself.

‘’Shhh… I won’t… Isabella look at me,’’ he softly spoke, and I wiped my tears away before looking up at him. Our green eyes met each other’s and I saw something in his that I had never seen before. I didn’t know what it was, but there was concern, there was pain. There was powerlessness.

‘’You have to promise me that you will throw those things away. Please, I… don’t do this to yourself. You have to take care of your body. Promise me, Isabella.’’

I sniffed and nodded.

‘’I will help you, okay? I’ll stay here until I have to go back to work. Let me help you.’’

I nodded again. I wanted his help, I really did. But something inside me said that it was already too late for that.


End file.
